Tony Klinger

I know when I’m awake because people send me invoices and other people phone to aggravate me. I know when I’m dreaming because beautiful women do wonderful things with me, and don’t ask for anything in return.

Imagine my astonishment over this weekend. I must be asleep but it feels like I’m awake. In my dream there was an Olympics going on in China and during the space of just a few hours Team GB managed to win so many medals that the country became third in the medal table for the whole, entire world.

Admittedly a great many of these medals were in events on the water, in the water and sitting down, but nevertheless who’s to say that it’s any less valid to win a medal rowing or cycling than it is to do so running or jumping.

Team GB even won a medal on the pommel horse in gymnastics and that has never happened before. In fact many of us in this sceptered isle even knew such an implement existed before today. Suddenly we found ourselves debating the merits of the young man’s velocity and length of spins as if we had any clue what we’re talking about.

I don’t exactly know when the British Team became Team GB, but if the results of a simple name change can enhance our results so dramatically they can call our team the Brit Pack.

What’s especially gratifying to me is that now we, as a nation, can stop pretending that we’re gallant losers, and, as when we had an empire, we can assume our more natural arrogance. We want to win just like every other country, and it’s so great when we do.

We love it when our competitors are correctly upset when they didn’t do as well as they could. If they do their best and lose then let’s find someone else who might be better.

We are thrilled to see our best and bravest say they’re in the contest to win and second is nowhere.

Meanwhile, can they stop the Olympics right now, while we’re near the top?