Tony Klinger

Today’s edition of the Daily Mail, a British tabloid, has an article on the front cover of its magazine section with a picture of the actor Hugh Laurie, it asks the question, “Is This The New George Clooney?”

I will save you reading several pages of drivel, the answer is NO!

Today also saw the start of the competition in the Olympic Games.

Already we have seen the wonders of huge rowers schlepping tiny boats at extreme speed in a big sweat. I should politely refer to perspiration but when the heat is over 40 degrees Celsius (over 100 F.) and the humidity is between 50% and 90% you’re sweating not perspiring. The British rowers are wearing ice jackets when they finish their events to get their core temperature down as fast as they can. Surely human beings were not made to compete in heat like this?

Even more obscure than this was the yachting in winds hovering at 3 mph, with yachts barely moving which was a little less exciting than watching wood warp. I dare say it will become more exciting when the wind blows as required but it is hard to get too enthusiastic.

If you thought it couldn’t get more specialized have you seen the real late night stuff? In this you must select the shooting. These are people who could shoot the gonads off a flea, repeatedly, from 100 yards. They, the shooter, not the fleas, stand stock still, and relentlessly repeat their unbelievably accurate shooting until you can stand no more of this torture and turn to another event, in fact, any other event!

This took me to the boxing. Nothing like professional boxing, this features people you can’t see, as they are wearing helmets to shield their heads, trying to hit each other. The marking system is so obscure and ridiculous it must have been devised by a committee. I think this is how it goes, if three judges see a solid punch land cleanly in the designated area of an opponents body and all simultaneously push their buttons then that will be credited one point by the scoring system. Sadly they all don’t seem to be blessed with eyes and brains that work in a coordinated fashion as many punches did land and were not registered.

While we visit the land of the obscure you have to include Judo. I don’t pretend any great knowledge of this event having only participated briefly as a youth until they forced me into becoming a somewhat reluctant schoolboy boxer. There was quite a build up of the British hopeful who was soundly beaten by an Austrian fellow with a very questionable hair color. Of course there were question marks raised over the fairness of this defeat, but then there usually is when a fellow Brit loses. Happily the television director switched back to the prospects for the swimming competition due to start soon and then cut to more very tall people in very small boats.

This is going to be a long fortnight interrupted and illuminated by small explosions of brilliance.